A letter I wrote, to my now 3 year old daughter.

I wrote this letter November 8th 2011, to my baby number 6, who is Nicole, now a three-year-old, spunky little girl. At the time we didn’t know the gender, didn’t even know if she would make it.

Dear child number 6,

Hi I’m your mother! I want you to know you are so loved and you are a blessing! I can’t wait for the day for you to get here to meet you to see that 1st smile to get to enjoy all of your 1st! I can’t wait until I feel you kick! Seeing your heartbeat and hearing your heart beat was amazing I cried! I am so scared that your not going to make it like the majority of your bothers and or sisters! For I only know one of them by name but I am sure you know have heard of them all! For God has talked to you everyday and days before we knew you were coming and I’m sure he told you how badly we would love you! I feel like you are already here! Your big sister says there’s 2 of you but the doctors say there’s one lol she is so silly! You will love her! I want to know now what you will be! But I know no matter what that we will love you so very much! You have so so many praying for a healthy happy HEALTHY pregnancy/baby!!!!! The outcome for you must be good! Your heartbeat was so strong! Your a fighter and we all know that already.! Just a few more weeks and we will be more in the clear! Mommy and daddy love you so much and Casey does too even though she doesn’t understand when mommy says Casey careful for the baby! Baby number 6 you are already an angle and a miracle you are a gift from God up above! Thank you God for letting this happen again! I am praying to you for help during this pregnancy! Praying for strength praying for a healthy baby praying for all to go well like it did with Casey with few to min. Scares! Dear God please watch over this young baby in my tummy and let us know that you are near this pregnancy/baby! Dear God I love you and I am thankful for so much thank you for our family, thank you for Casey thank you for giving us another angel! And we know we have 4 angels in heaven looking over this pregnancy/baby too! Thank you God!
Jazzalin and your brother and sisters in heaven I know you all are watching over your little brother or sister now! For I want you to know your mommy and daddy miss you all so much! Mommy and daddy love you so much! It’s hard for us but we know wish you were here with us but had to let you go. But we know you are playing. In heaven watching over us and your new little brother or sister! Please watch over him/her! We love all of you! Baby number 6 please stay with us for we want you here like we wanted all of your brother/sisters! Baby number 6 know I will see you in 3 more weeks via ultrasound when I go back to the dr! You are so amazing and strong and I know you will do just fine! Mommy and daddy and your big sister love you! Keep cooking baby number 6!!!!!! But we can’t wait to meet you!!!! Wish June was already here!!!!!!

 

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Thoguths and ramblings.

Today, as I sit here in our house while our youngest two children are napping, I secretly am driving myself insane. When I should be cleaning! I have an upcoming doctor appointment, for a biopsy to be done. I am very nervous and scared. I haven’t eaten dinner the past two nights, and haven’t eaten much throughout the day either. I know all will be okay. Don’t worry, I am eating just not a lot.

When I look at my children, I see pure innocence, love, joy, no problems, no hate, no stress. It makes me more at ease, knowing they just so pure, so loved, so filled with love. Now don’t get me wrong, they can be spoiled rotten little brats! All kids can be! They drive me crazy sometimes, with all the mommy this, mommy that, but I really wouldn’t have it any other way! I love when their dad comes home from work, and we all greet him at the door with hugs and kisses, and smiles! It puts a smile on my face, along with their dads face! I used to be really jealous of him getting to go to work daily, getting adult interaction. But then I realized he is missing out on so much! He misses so many smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses, dancing, new experiences, new findings, he misses the tears and cries, as well. I am lucky to have this opportunity with my children! Seeing my chilren figure out how to do something new on their own is great! To see the smiles on our children’s faces when they accomplished something is awesome, even if it’s just cleaning up! They are my world, so as I think of the upcoming biopsy, and writing this I smile because I truly am so lucky and blessed, to have them in my life! I wouldn’t be who I am today without them, and they wouldn’t be who they are today without us. Sure, every parent thinks their child(ren), is the best. Come on now we are all a little bias, of our own. Now don’t get me wrong, I just praised them, but there are also many times where they fight with each other and aren’t the nicest. Why, couldn’t we have gotten 2 Elmo’s? They don’t always share, and get very upset when they don’t get their way. They do know what time out is, and know if momma says three it’s too late!

They are my world, so I need to tell my mind, to stop worrying all will be okay! No, better than okay, it will be great! So I am ending this saying my children are what drive me to be a better person, mother, wife, friend, sister, just a better human being! To see the good in all things, and people. To see love in all things!

So I know, no matter what, I will always fight, to be here with them and their father!

For I know that love wins, always!

 

Our Angel, Jazzalin Amber Howie, Happy Birthday!!!

Monday, September, 8th, 2008. 

At 5:40ish am, we finally got into our room. We were hooking up the monitors, to watch you as we were awaiting your arrival! The nurses tried and tried to find your heartbeat! They asked if you always gave this much trouble. I told them yes you are stubborn, you are a Howie! 🙂 I then put my hand on you and said she is right here!! The lady tried but your heartbeat wasn’t showing up, she tried for 45 minutes to get it to show on the monitor. Your daddy went down to smoke, outside the Emergency Room Entrance. Then the nurses had the Doctor come in, Dr Cline (Maddron, now), with an ultrasound machine. Dr. Cline/Maddron came in and all the lights were off. She started to do the ultrasound. Dead silence, you could hear a pin drop!!! Then Dr Cline/Maddron rubbed my leg and said “she’s dead” I was like what??? She again said “I’m sorry she’s dead, she didn’t make it!” I flipped out!!! Screamed for Caleb, to fix everything to give me my little girl back!!! Nothing would bring her back though. My mother (it was her birthday), tried to comfort me. I kept screaming for Caleb!!! My mother called Caleb on the phone and told him to get to the room NOW!!!!! He came running through the hospital, up the elevator and then into our room #310, he saw me crying and screaming. He knew then what had happened. God took her away!! 

 

I demanded that he fix it!! I yelled and screamed for her to be with us!! I think I woke everyone up in that hospital!! Dr. Cline/Maddron, gave us the option, to stay and do the c section, or leave and come back tomorrow. Everyone pushed me to stay, I wanted to leave!! To go home, to go to sleep, and wake up with a living child in my stomach. We decided to stay they said it would be a lot harder if we left, and then came back. Then Caleb made some phone calls, letting everyone know what had happened. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom. I just wanted to be alone! I was heartbroken! They put me on suicide watch! Caleb’s mom, demanded I unlock the door, and get out of the bathroom. I finally did. The doctor then came back in right before surgery and asked if I wanted to be awake and if Caleb wanted to be in the OR, also. I told Caleb I wanted him in there and I wanted to be awake. Well that’s not how it happened. They put me completely to sleep and no one was in the OR with me. And at 9:08am on 9-8-2008 we had Miss Jazzalin Amber Howie, 6 lbs 2 oz, 19 inches long. A head full of hair. She was perfect! A perfect angel! Long fingers she could have been a piano player! She was/is perfect!!!Then once I was out of surgery and recovery, I was hooked up to a morphine drip. They asked if I would want to go to a different part of the hospital since I wouldn’t have a child, it would be hard on me to be in L&D. I said I would stay in the L&D room. And I did have a child!

We had so many people there to meet you Jazzalin!! They all knew you had left us. They all had questions (whether they asked them or not), they as well as us wanted to know why, what happened!!??!? 

They felt our pain, you could feel it just walking into our room. 

We kept you longer than we should have the nurses said they needed to take you but I wasn’t letting you go!!! Nor will I ever! They asked if we wanted to do an autopsy, I so did at first. They said it would be $1500.00 insurance would not pay I didn’t care though I wanted to know what happened and why! Janice said we could do a fundraiser, I was all for it. But then the nurses told me how they do an autopsy on a child that small and your daddy and I decided against it. We couldn’t bare someone cutting on you, and completely in half. Too much to bare.

 

My last memory of you, Jazzalin. 

 

Josh and Melissa, had just arrived. That was hard. Melissa walked over to see you, I was holding you. I swear, I saw blood, I know I did (maybe the morphine, but I saw it, I’m not crazy!!) Blood coming from your mouth! I yelled take her away! Get her away from me. (Oh man this is hard for me to remember, speak of, and type, so much pain). Then Melissa I believe grabbed you, you then were in grandma Vickie’s arms she wiped your mouth. The nurses came and took you away. They later came in and said there wasn’t any blood there, but I saw it!!!! They then took you away to Atchley’s Funeral Home, that is where your papa Virgil got to see and hold you. When he got in from Nevada. Your Papa Virgil arranged your funeral, and everything that went with it. Your casket, and headstone also. They both were/are beautiful just like you!!! I love you baby girl!!! 

 

I know that we are not alone. Nor shall we ever be. I know I may speak of you, but I will until the day I die! You shall not be forgotten. You continue to live in me! 

 Your heart lives in my heart!  

I know you, Jazzalin, are playing with your siblings, and friends up in Heaven, and you have many family members up there taking good care of you, your siblings, and friends! 

May our Angels, continue on in our hearts!!! 

 

I was due, September 11th, 2008, so technically she was 39wks and 4 days in gestation. 

Looking back I remember secretly planning my death. Wanting to go back to, cutting myself, and much more. I have always struggled with depression, and this one pushed me and pushed me hard!! But I am proud to say I didn’t ever cut myself! I did however posion my body with tons of caffeine and Tylenol PM, Goodie’s PM, any and all legal things that would possible speed up my heart and then take so much at night to sleep, hoping one day I wouldn’t wake up. God, had other choices. He said I must stay here on earth! He was and would take good care of Jazzalin. 11 months after Jazzalin left us, we had Casey.  God knows what he is doing, yes I do know this. I know not to question, and I should celebrate Jazzalin today. But I can’t. It is too sad.
We’ve been through a lot, over the years, God gives us a lot to deal with. In the end it makes us stronger! We appreciate life more. For we know at any age it can be taken away.

 

 

You are my Angel, you are always with me and you continue to live through me!! I love and miss you Jazzalin Amber Howie!!! 

 

I wonder if the doctors would have taken you on Friday like I asked if you would still be here?? Jazzalin and I 9-8-08

Back to a Waiting Game!

Well got a call from the doctors!! 

Caleb’s radiation therapy treatments didn’t actually do anything they wanted it too! 

The extra tissue they took showed no cancer spreading! Which is good news!!

We now have to wait, on the Tumor Board, to find out if chemo will be needed. Also, if the Myxiod  Liposarcoma had round cell in it! 

So we thought he won, we are hoping he is still winning! Caleb doesn’t want to do chemo!! He wants to be his normal 30 year old, father of 3, self! 

So now we wait up to a week to find out what is next! What is going on! 

 Hopefully we will get good news! 

Good News!!

Side view of Caleb's arm after removal of the tumor! 9-1-2014
Side view of Caleb’s arm after removal of the tumor! 9-1-2014
Caleb's arm after surgery, a little over a foot long! Taken 9-1-2014
Caleb’s arm after surgery, a little over a foot long! Taken 9-1-2014

Dear Cancer, you LOST! He WON, the fight!!!

 

Some may have known, some may not have known.

Well we have some GREAT news!!!

After weeks of radiation therapy treatments, numerous doctor appointments, trips to Nashville, Tn. Surgery is done!! 8-27-2014

The doctors believe they got all of the cancer!! It did not spread, either, from what they can see!  Of course we have more doctor appointments, and tests for years to come. I am hoping and praying the cancer stays away, for it to not ever return!! We are home, just resting! Enjoying our time together! We appreciate your prayers, please keep them coming, for the cancer to stay away! For the pain to leave and recovery go smoothly! We are thankful for each day we have! Our love has grown stronger, we’ve been through a lot and will continue to over the years. We appreciate each and every single one of you!! Thank you!

We are also asking, please do not blow up our phones. We know you all want to speak with us. But we are trying to rest and enjoy our WIN against cancer! Plus the medicine that is being taken makes him very sleepy! Thank you for understanding!  

Good bye to you Myxiod  Liposarcoma (cancer)!!! Now please stay away forever!!

News about our family.

I know it has been awhile, since I have posted anything. I do apologize for that. We have been so busy! Between birthdays, school sign ups, and all the doctor appointments. Well Casey starts kindergarten on August 21st. We meet her teacher on August 14th at 5:00pm est. She is so excited!! Nicole is slowly starting to come out of her shell some, she is so shy and quite. Now she is starting to talk up a storm, but she is still shy at first. Cheston still isn’t walking he is crawling like a mad man, though. He runs like crazy in the walker too. I am doing well, just trying to keep everything under control! 

Caleb went to the ER April 29, 2014, for a large lump on his left tricep that started to tingle. They did an MRI the tumor was 11cm long. The ER sent us to another doctor in Sevierville.  4-30-14 Dr Pugh which did nothing but waste our time and say I’m sorry that’s too large I can’t help you at all. And then told us that we need to go to Knoxville, possibly even Vanderbilt (Nashville, TN). Dr Pugh’s office set up an appointment with Dr. Midis in Knoxville, for May 23rd. I called and was able to get Caleb in on May 12th instead of the 23rd. Dr. Midis was great! He told us just by looking and feeling the Tumor what he thought it could be. He then took us to another room and did a needle (core) biopsy. On May 15th around 5:30pm est. Dr Midis, call my cell phone, and told me that they didn’t have enough tissue, but from what they could see they believed it was Liposarcoma. The test were considered inconclusive. So then he told me that Kendra, his nurse, would call me the next day and have the information for the doctors we would need to see at Vanderbilt, in Nashville. 

Dr. Midis, was great! He informed us of what they thought it was, and even said we needed to see a specialist. Due to he really isn’t a specialist in that type of tumor. Nd that Caleb would need the best care!!

So we got the call. Caleb was to be in Nashville, TN, at Vanderbilt on May 29th to meet with Dr. Halpern, who specializes in Sarcoma. She spoke with us, took some x-rays, and asked what all have we been told. So I informed her of all the stuff we’ve been dealing with. She stated we were going to just start from the beginning, and that we were in the right place! She said it was a good thing Knoxville, didn’t do surgery, since they didn’t really know what they were dealing with! She is AWESOME!!! So from the x-rays, they were able to tell us that nothing was in Caleb’s lungs, which was amazing news, we were scared it had spread! 

Dr Halpern at that time said she wanted to do an open biopsy on June 10th, and MRI and CT scans asap! But since she wasn’t really able to see the MRI scan from Sevierville, it was done poorly she said. We needed to have it done again. They wanted us to stay the night and have the scans the next day, if they could get us in. Well having 3 children at home, that was not possible. We left Vanderbilt feeling good, knowing nothing has spread so far. We had to go back to Vanderbilt on June 2nd for the scans. And then June 10th for the open biopsy. Caleb’s first surgery, first stitches, first everything!! For the age of 30, that’s pretty go I say! Well then again he probably needed them before but is too stubborn to go to a doctor. 

On June 10th, 2014, we drove the 4 hours to get to Nashville, and arrived at 4:30 am CST, with 30 minutes to spare. We went into the hospital got all the paperwork started and then shortly after 7am we went up for surgery. That is when the doctor, said she believes its Liposarcoma but won’t know until the results of the biopsy comes back. She said to keep positive. She said that Caleb’s tumor had grown to 13cm long. She said she thinking its a low grade, not very aggressive. But once again not 100% sure until the results of the biopsy comes back! 

Well, Caleb wsent back for surgery, I went back down to the waiting room. I called his parents, who were watching our children, and told his mother everything I knew. Once surgery was over, the doctor called down and told me Caleb did great during surgery, and about the caring of the incision. She said I would be able to see Caleb shortly. Then about 20 minutes later, I got another call. It was the recovery room, stating Caleb is/was ready to go and is demanding his clothing! So I rush up stairs. I get there and Caleb’s sleeping again! Which was okay with me since he really didn’t get much sleep the night before since he worked, and drove all night/morning. 

Once Caleb was up and ready to go, they took him out to the car and I drove us halfway home. Caleb’s stubborn, he said he wanted to know he could still do it. Plus I don’t think he likes my driving. 🙂 

Well we got the results of the open biopsy on June 12th (the day before my birthday).

Caleb has Myxiod  Liposarcoma

It came back having an intermediate (middle) grade. 

I wasn’t in too much shock. We already prepared ourselves for this, well the best we could.they couldn’t /wouldn’t tell us what stage it is. So I did my research. According to the TNM system and the Grade.

Caleb has stage 2b, cancer. The tumor is large and deep, it hasn’t spread (that we can tell) to the lymph nodes, and it still localized. The grade being a middle grade. It all adds up to stage 2b, when doing the research.

Also, the CT scan from June 2nd, showed some blockage in Caleb’s lung. So we had to set up another CT Scan, which was done on June 23rd (Dad’s birthday). We went for the scan in Knoxville, at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center, at 10am EST. later that day around 3pm est. I called Vanderbilt, asking if Caleb’s arm where they injected the dye, should still be hurting and hard, this long after having the IV removed. I had to leave a message. But when they called back around 3:30-4:00pm est. They said they received Caleb’s CT scan results for his lungs. And said to take him back ASAP to FSRMC, the the ER. tell them that Caleb had a ct scan and it found a clot in his lung. So then we reushed back to Knoxville. We arrived around 4:45pm. We sat in a room, in the ER, while the doctors tried to figure out what to do! We made the comment of we should have and could have drove to Nashville, by the time they did anything!

They took Caleb for an ultrasound, on his left arm where the IV was. They found that Caleb had a blood clot, in his arm, along with the one in his lung found by the CT scan, earlier. They gave him a shot of Lovenox, a blood thinner. 

So June 23rd, Caleb was admitted to FSRMC, around 11:00pm est. He was put on a heart monitor, was given lots of medication, for the Pulmonary Embolism, Deep Vein Thrombosis, and high blood pressure (which we didn’t know he had until then). In the middle of the night the nurses came running, I mean running in!! They rusehd through the door, running to Caleb! His monitor, showed his heart rate fell to 30. They started asking him all kinds of questions. He was and is fine thank God! They did more test and blood work, before we left on June 24th. 

We had several follow up appointments, with what is now his family doctor. 

Vanderbilt called and said Caleb would be going to radiation therapy treatments, 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for 5 weeks. His first treatment was on July 1st. His last treatment was August 8th. 

They said that they wanted to shrink the tumor, kill the Cancer, and make the tumor soft. Well to us the size is the same, its still hard, and we don’t know it if stopped the cancer, yet! 

We go back to Vanderbilt, on August 25th through the 27th. For full body scans (MRI and CT) , meet with pre-op, meet with doctor to discuss the scans and all other concerns. Then find out what time surgery is the next day (27th). We are hoping and praying, for good scan results!! For they already have to scrape Caleb’s bone, since the tumor is touching it. They will look to see if it has ROUND CELL in it. If it does and its above a certain percentage then Caleb will have to start chemotherapy, asap!!

So now it is just a waiting game for the next 2 weeks to go by and be over and done with. 

I am hoping and praying that he kicks cancers ass!! Excuse my language! 

Also, from what I have read, only a little more than 12,000 people will be diagnosed with sarcoma this year, in the US. That includes adults and children, there are over 50 types of sarcoma! About half of the people diagnosed will end up passing of this disease! 

Myxiod  Liposarcoma, is a subtype of Liposarcoma. Which is the second most common of the Soft Tissue Sarcoma. However, Liposarcoma makes up of only 1%, of ALL adult cancers! 

So as this road we are traveling, is long, and at times dark. Please keep your heads up, as we are. Please say a prayer, send happy thoughts/good vibes, for Caleb. May his scans come back with GREAT news that it hasn’t spread, and the cancer is gone! 

He is still the only one working, and worked all through his treatments, and all Doctor appointments. I’ve told him I will return to work, however he says no! I should be with our children. So I do, and I am, here for him and our children! 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Everyone! I hope everyone has had a wonderful blessed day! For me we had Caleb’s parents over, Grammy Donna, Kelsey, Kylie and carter, and my special friends the popes! So many people have helped to make this the best Christmas my children have had! I am so thankful!

You know I had a special woman tell me the other day, I have to let go (my thoughts I think). She raised 4 children homeschooled them raised them right, she does everything she can for her family and she realized I needed a friend, she has blessed my family, while her husband it fighting brain cancer. She has touched my heart and has made me want to go back to church! (Which I’ve been wanting to do just can’t get up enough nerv to go) today when they (the dad and children) stopped by my house for a few mins. I could feel the love and never realized I actually knew the family through the dad. Today as everyday I am asking for prayers for so many, prayers for them, for our friends and family that lost loved one, for the military men and women who can’t be home because they are fighting for our country. For so many, for a cure for all cancer and dementia, Alzheimer’s and so much more! I thank all of you who have blessed our family not only today but everyday!

May 2014 be a better year for us all, for I myself hopes to be a college student and working on myself (physical, mentally and emotionally) to be a healthier person, a better person (mother/girlfriend) to learn to love and forgive myself for it wasn’t my fault! Goodnight everyone, Merry Christmas!!!

Life, the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, Life as a Mother, My Life.